I've never wanted it this much before.

After a NKE (Near kiss experience) I've realized that I'm glad I didn't go through with it. Because now I realize that this person with the NKE with me was not the right one... I hope. Because while leaning in, pictures of Jase were spinning through my head. I thought I was over him. Its the right thing to get over him i just....can't. I've never wanted to be with someone this bad before. Never. Now that me and Jase are talking again, there's something missing from it. It's not the same as it was about exactly a year ago. He never says the sweet things he usuallly did.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a princess. (Lets call her Reagan haha...I'm not saying I'm a princess or anything it just is fitting into my story.)Princess Reagan had what you would call a journal that you could access from the internet. But she made the huge mistake of telling her friend, lets call her ricky, that she had the journal. Ricky would always comment on the posts. And it didn't bother Reagan at first until one day Ricky exclaimed "I'm going to make my own online journal!" So Ricky did what she said she did. But as Ricky added more and more posts, Reagan realized that Ricky copied everything Reagan said and how she said it. Cause you know what? Reagan wishes that she could turn back the clock to be friends with Jase again. And reagan's friend is also abused! And Reagan had already said she was different from every other girl! Reagan alredy had the weirdo dreams! And reagan told ricky at school that her parents were acting strange! So now I wish Ricky would delete the stupid blog and stop copying my every idea, feeling, and experience beecause they are all MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So seriously Ricky if you know who you are, I'm sorry but what you're doing is SO ANNOYING!

Talent Show

So I finally decided what song I was going to do. It's called thinking of you by Katy Perry it's like her only normal song and I love love love it so listen to it. It's on the front page of my blog in the playlist. It's the very last one so I hope you enjoy! But that's not all I'm gonna talk about in this post. For some reason, all of the good memories of me and Jase came up to me. He said he cared about me. And that out of all the girls in the world, I was the sweetest. But now, he probably thinks I'm a freak for liking him again. And I had to go and ruin the whole stinking relationship. I HATE THIS YEAR NOW! The only thing I like about this year is that I'm surrounded by amazing friends.(Sara, Cortlyn, Jake, Makenna, Abby, Shulese, Nikki, Cailtin,Irlanda, and a bunch of other people.) Oh and my grades are really going up so I might get my phone back soon so I can text and see what the heck is going on with everybody instead of being caged in my house full of creeper familly members. ANd Ya CHecK oUt ThE soNg. (I'm dedicating it to Jase.)

You don't know me as much as you think you do.

Hey. I'm unique. I'm way different than some people can accept. But I guess Jase couldn't accept me. I just wanted to feel...Precious... and fragile...and wonderful to him... and I just want him back. I can remember all of the conversations and all these things do are kill me from the inside out. Conversations like him thinking I'm the sweetest person he's ever met. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met. And...Hmmm... I really just want to feel important to somebody right now. SO much I'd like to talk to him. I just hope he doesn't still like Jessi Blackburn or whatsherface...whatever her name is...I'm pretty sure it's Jessi blackburn. She is really pretty... hmm...too bad for me i can't compare.

Wait...what?

Well, some of you may have heard...me and Jase kind of started communicating with each other. Long story short, he texts me saying happy valentines day and we started talking and we were actually getting along! But...now my happiness about it is kind of fading. It's probably because we don't talk in person. It's just not the same as it use to be. He was probably the most important person in my life and now I feel like I'll never have that ever again... because I feel like....well, I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel. I guess....I could say that I'm not really thrilled. I could say that I was expecting more than this. I could say that I wish that we were best friends like we used to be. I guess I could say I really hate myself because this is all my fault! And I could tell myself to stop sobbing and save my tears because I can never have this again! I mean... HE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME ANYMORE! WHAT AM I DOING? At first I thought he did. But he probably likes Jessi Blackburn like Jake said. And I'm just going to keep hurting myself like this. You know, he probably thinks I'm the worst possible person on the face of the earth right now. And it's my own fault. Not his. I'm putting myself through this pain because I keep believing that something can happen with us and that we can continue twhere we left off. But we can't. We can't...we can't.....ugh...we can't. It's all too good to be true. So what do I do now?

I HATE FEBRUARY!!!

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
Reasons why, It's stupid, I hate everything that has to do with love, hearts, desperate girls, or obnoxious boys, I would like it if me and Jase were still together, My sister gets all ushy gushy with her boyfriend.

WORST MONTH EVER!

I can name like 10 reasons why this month sucks!
1: It's the month of Valentines Day
2:I had to spill a secret about one of my friends to my other friends because it was such a sad secret, that I walked up to my friends sobbing. Now my other friend is mad at me!
3: There's a girl making situation #2 even worse because she's mixing up the story and getting my friend EVEN MORE MAD AT ME!
4:Jase knows that I like him and now it's just so akward standing within 10 feet of him.
5:There's nothing I can do about Jase. I'm pretty sure he hates me.
6:I've been having really weird mood swings.
7:I've been having memory flashes that I don't even remember happening but they seem famlliar. For some reason they're not even in my point of view. Its not De Ja Vu!
8:The stress is killing me!
9:One of my best friends thinks I hate her!
10:I just can't take anymore of this drama!

I just hate February! I've cried twice in 4 days! This is crazy!

He Knows

Jake"accidentally" spilled the beans on Thursday. Jase knows I like him. And he's probably thinking that I'm stupid, naive, and that I never give up. But the weird thing is, I actually agree with him. I'm all of those 4 things. I fell really hard. I feel SO STUPID! But I guess this means he's not the one. The one wouldn't have ended it so quickly. Or the one would have ended it and then fixed it in a really amazing romantic way. And anyway Jase has quite a few negative things about him: 1. He is majorly paranoid. 2. He has horrible mood swings. 3. He blames people falsely because of what other people did. 4. His eyes can trap him in your heart forever (haha....wait that's kind of a positive thing.) Ok maybe there's not that many bad things about him. But there's plenty of reasons why he would dump me: 1. I'm way too curious about stuff. 2. He probably still like Hailey or Kenzee. 3.I'm and idiot and I was so stupid and naive and...UGH I'M AN IDIOT! But hey. If someone else can give me that amazing, spectacular, beautiful feeling, Than GREAT! Where do I sign up? Except wait, there's one problem. There's NO ONE like him. But, have a happy Valentines Day. (Ugh what do I do what do I do what do I do?)

Not sure what to call this one... haha

Now, too many people know who I like. There's Sara, Makenna, Courtlyn, Abby, Jordan P, Matt, Jake, and Rachel. (You rock Rach!) Anyway, me and Sara have been working on this theory that if someone has two dreams on the same subject, that it has to be true, whatever the dream was about. But, I've had a sudden memory flash. (Well it happened a few days ago.) Did I ever tell you that Jase said he had a dream about me? Well if not, I'll tell you the short version of the story. Over last summer, me and Jase kind of... well...were in a nice relationship. But then it turns out it wasn't going to be nice for very long. He got all jealous because he thought I liked this other idiot kid. I don't blame him, he's been cheated on twice. So after a fight that seemed to last forever, we split. But then during school now, I was absent one Friday for a family reunion in Nevada. I really wanted to bring my cellphone incase something important happened, but my parents wouldn't let me. The night we left, Jase texted me saying he had a dream about me and that he only has dreams about people he loves and really really cares about. When I got home and opened my text messages, I couldn't keep my mouth closed. My dad actually walked into my room witnessing me jumping around like an idiot maniac. Hahaha. But when I texted him back telling him how incredibly sweet he was, he text back saying "It happened again last night. I had another dream." But then I wouldn't stop bugging him about what the dream was about and I was so stupid. So we aren't together anymore. Which comes to show that 2 dreams doesn't equal the beggining to a happily ever after. It equals the one that didn't even have a chance to start.

Sware Bear

So they say you learn something new every day. Somehow, this is true...but yesterday, what I learned depressed me...ALOT! CADEN AND AVERY SWARE! Yesterday my awsome friends overheard Caden saying BS. Plus Jake found out I liked Caden yesterday. Anyway I also learned that either Caden or Avery like me. I couldn't have found out they swore later...or sooner. And now I can't go out with either of them because it's kind of against my standards to go out with someone with that swaring, tough dude attitude. I mean I'm not positive that Avery swares but Jake said he did. Sooo...thats it I guess. But on Monday I have to avoid both of them to avoid either of them liking me. Yay...

Some say, I say. This is why...

There's some instances where people think I ask for way too much. Some say I need to let go of everything and start a new slate. Some say I have to move on and just forget about Jase. I say that they have no idea what I would be dealing with. Imagine losing your mom. Or your dad or your sister/brother. Or you know what? Imagine losing anyone you love. This is just like that. I lost someone that I really cared about. Just not physically. I see him all of the time at school, but as I pass by him going separate ways in the hallway, he's a perfect stranger. As if I was walking through the streets of New York City. I pay attention to the ground in front of me. But then, there's one little thing that catches my eye. It's Jase. And why is he the one that catches my eye you may ask? It's because he played the biggest part in my life. Of all 500 kids in my school, he's the one that gets my attention. That's why. But I still can't reach that piece of my life that he contains. I'm afraid I'll never be able to. Because as my life goes on, Jase is always going to be just out of reach. So maybe I should forget it all. Start a new, shiny, clean slate. Forget about Jase forever. End it all. All of the pain. All of the hurt. All of the...drama. Do you think so?

Who do you love?

Hey everybody I took a quiz called who do you love and here's the link to it:
http://www.gagirl.com/quiz/whodo.html
But before clicking on the link, here's my results which after seeing, I realize that their totally accurate.

Jase is the one that you love.
Avery is one you like but can't work out.
You care most about Jake.
Makenna is the one who knows you very well.
Sara is your lucky star.
The way I loved you is the song that matches with Jase.
Dizzy is the song for Avery.
Don't Forget is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And La la land is the song telling how you feel about life!

Weird right? But umm... you guys should check those songs out. Here's the song titles and the artists:

Artist: Taylor Swift Song:The way I loved you
Artist:Jimmy eat world Song:Dizzy
Artist: Demi Lovato Song:Don't forget
Artist: Demi Lovato Song:Lala land

Just so you know, these are all on my playlist on the blog so... ya

Over it... but still curious!

So you all remember me talking about Jase right? Well for a brief description, we were amazing friends (#1 on eachother's list) and then we became more than friends. I really cared about him...and then I got dumped and burned. Of course I blame myself bacause he wouldn't have dumped me if there wasn't something wrong with me. So anyway, we split, and then a few months ago I went to Nevada and I wasn't aloud to bring my phone with me. But while I was gone, Jase texted me and said,"I had a dream about you and I only have dreams about people who I really care about and can't let go of. I still have to wonder though, what was Jase's dream about? The only thing I'm positive of is that I played a massive part in it. But which part? And doing what exactly?I've been getting the idea that we kissed in the dream or something. Which that would have been great. Because If he did, than maybe that is why he made up with me. Because he didn't want it to be just a dream. I mean, he is really sweet and down to earth. And I really felt different around him. But a good different. I felt like he could see right through me. I mean I'm really hard to figure out but for him I was just a sheet of glass. And he could see how different I was. How down to Earth. Or how... well... there's really no right way to describe me. And even seeing the real me. And not just a girl in the crowd, he still loved and cared about me so much. And I loved him to. I don't really think I'll ever forget what we had, and I don't think I'll ever have it again. There's no one like him. And...that's my dream.

DUMPED AND BURNED BABY!

JAKE WAS DUMPED! Ahhh! His first relationship and he was burned baby! I'm broken on the inside but really happy also! I'm happy because Jake and Abby are still going to be really great friends. I'm sad because well, it's just so sad! Like, after 1 week and he's dumped. D= OH OH OH! I talked to Caden today. The conversation was only about Jake but it's a start right? But it just feels so weird around him because that dream was SO REAL! It was even in first person's point of view ( Ugh my reading teacher is getting to me BIG TIME!) First person being me of course. But ugh my stupid conscience, my stupid eyes, my STUPID STUPID HEART! Why do these things keep happening to ME? Well I'm going to stop this post here so bye. Love you guys. And remember shush about these words I write. Because it's super secret.

They're Baaaaaaaaaaaack...

So, yesterday Jake asked out the love of his life, Abby Sharp. But oddly enough, I'm mostly okay with that. I guess I only liked him in the spur of the moment. Because I'm basically over him. Its weird what trying to convince the you like to ask out another girl does... But my mind and heart aren't done yet.
You know, they say you're mind is the most unknown part of your body. But I disagree. I say, it's your heart. You have no idea what it's planning. All I know is that I've had it for twelve and 3/4 years, and I feel like it's a complete stranger. Even if I've followed in it's path all of my life.
And you may be wondering "why the heck is she telling me this?" Here's why. I have recently had another dream. But this time it was about a guy named Caden Bailey. Which was beyond weird because I've never really actually talked to him before. But it's also weird because it's Avery Clark's best friend. You remember me talking about Avery right? But anyway the dream was basically that one night at Mutual I saw him at the church And I followed him, to see what he was doing and we ended up in the school computer lab... which was way beyond weird... and I came up to him and said it's Caden right. And He says yes. And i told him my name was Reagan, we shook hands,and then we appeared hanging out. We were laughing our heads off, and just having the time of our lives. Then we kind of got into a fight about me liking someone else and him being mad about it. Next Scene: I was in my bed crying about the whole incident with Caden and I got up, put jean shorts and red converse high-tops on, and went for a walk in the pouring rain. I had my cellphone with me at the time and in my dream it was an IPhone.
Cool right? And when I turned the corner, going into the next block, I got a text message from Caden saying he was sorry. I asked him where he was, and he said to turn around( at this time I was soaking wet.) and there he was. Then, I woke up. Realizing it was all a dream, I cried for like a day. Worst day of my life. Best dream of my life. It looks like it's about to rain outside so I think I'll go for a walk.

UGH THIS HAS TO STOP!

THIS NEEDS TO END LIKE, NOW! It's been 2 weeks and the only deceiving words that have gone through my mind are Jake, Jase, Dreams, and confusion. I have to go back to school tomorrow where I will have to face Jake and Jase. And of course, the dreams and confusion will follow in their path. It's just weird for me to think that neither of them know what goes through my head as I'm near them. They just stand completely clueless. When Jase and I were together, he told me I was the most different girl he had ever met. (In a good way). But what did he mean by different? I'm afraid that this is a question that will never be answered to me. No matter how desperately I need these answers. But there are so many other questions running through my head. So many that I'm not able to count. Like; If I end up going out with one of them, which one? This is the worst! They're my answers and I need them now!! UGH!!!! These unanswerable questions need to escape from my mind. But until I get the answers.... they're prisoners. =( =( =( =( =(

Dreams, Heartbroken, and Happiness

They say your dreams hold events in which similar things will happen. As if your heart has already seen the future and all of your senses are trying to catch up with it. But I guess your heart is always going to be a few steps ahead of your mind. No matter how much you try to stop it, its always going to take the first turn in your life.Why I'm writing this, you're about to find out. A few nights ago, I had a dream about my very dear friend, Jake (Whatever his middle name is) Murphy. I guess I hadn't realized that I wanted more than friendship until I woke that morning. And as usual for me, dreams were crushed...literally. That day, another close friend, Colby, asked me if I knew who Jake liked, And I didn't. So of course I got all obsessed with who he liked, and after I found out, I wish I hadn't. It wasn't me... of course.That day, was today.Yesterday, my friend Rachel Wood, pointed out that shes never seen me mad or upset or...depressed. And I guess I really haven't been. Until today. I guess Friday is not my favorite weekday anymore... =(

A Sudden Realization

For New Years this year, my family and I made our way to Salt Lake City, Utah to visit our long-known family friends, The Rackers. I've known these people for almost my entire life. My family met them at a neighborhood meeting ten years ago. Ever since, we've been pretty clickedy tight!Anyway, my best friend in that family's name is Annie. She is only 3 months younger than me. She was telling me how she also fell in love with a guy named Jake. Creepy right? But they had a fight and split apart. But she kind of made me realize that... I don't want Jase back. All I really want is the feeling I had when I was with him. Its a feeling/emotion that is pretty hard to describe. But to shorten it out I'm just going to call it magic. Its as if my life puzzle was completed. But someone knocked the puzzle off the table (Lets call her McKenzie Bromely. That's what I think is the reason we broke up is because he still loved her.) and my world has shattered into a million little pieces and I can only find 999,999 of them. But the final one is going to have to wait to be found to complete my world.Do you want to know where it is? Jase has it. And he has no idea what a big part of my life he holds. And you may be thinking I'm making way too big of a deal out of this, but I'm not. I just want something that belongs to me. K?